In His grip

I know some of you must be able to relate....things are going so well, you are almost just waiting for the ball to drop.

For the last few years my relationship with God has been distant.  It's been there of course....the connection was just weaker than I ever remember it being.  There were days when I craved that closeness that once was so badly, and other days I just didn't even think about it to be honest.  And here is where I'll get really honest.....I was scared to get close to him again.  I mean to say, that I felt like it was going to be a BIG life event that would have to bring me to my knees....like he was going to need to get my attention in some way or another.  And I wasn't ready for that.  It got to the point that if my phone would ring when I wasn't expecting it or at an odd hour, a feeling of dread would creep up before picking up the phone.....

Life is good.  And when life is good, we often tend to lean on ourselves and give ourselves a lot more credit than we even deserve.

So as not to dramatize this, I'll give away the ending....the following story turns out just fine....but follow me for a minute....

Two weeks ago I went to the Dr. for a routine physical.  Checked off all of the boxes for a complete health.....she actually said my bloodwork made be a "poster child" for eating well.  (Gloat, gloat.....dark chocolate sea salt almonds must not show up on that as well as an embarrassing amount of Golden Spoon fro-yo.....plus toppings.)

She stopped at my right lymph node in my neck and said, "tell me about this guy".  Um.....

She went on to say that she wanted to send me in for an ultrasound on my neck....but did add that she thought if it were anything scary it would have shown up in my blood work...poster child, remember?

I didn't think much about it and went in a week later for the ultrasound.  The technician came back after talking to the radiologist and said they both thought it looked like a lymph-node.  I left feeling great.

The doctor called and left a message she wanted to talk to me about the results.  I didn't even call her back.  How bad is that?  I figured it was fine and if she really wanted to talk to me, she would call again.  She did at Friday at 4:45.

"I don't like what I'm seeing on this.  It's 4 times the size it should be.  I'd like to send you to a surgeon to discuss a biopsy."

Everything inside my body dropped.  I clung in that moment to the fact that I was a poster child....even saying...."but didn't you say if you thought it was anything "scary" it would show up in my bloodwork??"

"Well....not always," was her reply.

I wrote down the phone number for the surgeon, hung up and immediately called to make the earliest appt. they had.  Then I cried.  I sat on the couch, called Andy, told him to get home and cried.  Graham crawled up on my lap and asked, "Why you crying mommy?  Don't cry Mommy....don't cry".....and I sobbed as quietly as I could while holding him tight so he couldn't see but I could still hold him in my grip.....because obviously my mind had already gone THERE.

And if it hadn't already, then I got on Google.  Thank goodness for WebMD because I was not waiting five days for my own appointment.  Google only seemed to confirm my worst fear.  Your lymph nodes can be enlarged for two reasons.

1. Your body is fighting an infection.
2. You have cancer.

Well, I hadn't been sick.  Not since March. I was the poster child of health, right?  So obviously, I knew which one I had.  I'm not trying to make light of this but these are actual conversations I had with myself and Andy over the next 24 hours.

I'm definitely going to just shave my head.  There is no way I'm waking up every morning to more hair loss.

Andy and I decided we would start making videos of me with the kids, messages to the kids.....they have to remember me.

I played Hi Ho Cherrio way more than I ever had before...because I was soaking up time with my kids.

And we prayed.  And then I prayed some more.  I was crying out to God for the first time in a LONG time.  And that feeling started to return that had been gone for so long.  That feeling of being enveloped in his love and his arms and feeling peace that only he can give.  I've got you.  Cling to me.  Get off the internet.  I am the Great Physician.

I had some drive time last weekend to and from some photo sessions and I started to seek on the radio until I heard that familiar music again.  I talked to God again.....and just had that warm feeling of being in his presence again.  He had me.  I felt amazing peace.  Either way, he had this.

I went to the doctor on Tuesday.  He felt my neck and said, yes....they are big, but in his opinion, felt more like a reactive lymph node than one with cancer....still reminding me that a biopsy would be the only way to know for sure.  He recommended to wait two months, get another ultrasound and then maybe do a biopsy around that time if anything changed.  Turns out even skin irritations can cause your lymph nodes to enlarge, not just strep or mono.

And there was obvious relief.

But honestly, I am even more relieved just to be back in my Father's arms again.....to be able to cry out, have such dependence and absorb that love and peace that only comes from Him.

And I promise there will be more pictures and "normal" posts soon.